Thursday, April 8, 2010

"It's in my pocket!"

I've been very down lately, therefore I've been very uninspired about what to write for my blog. So tonight while waiting for Chef BoyarTara to finish up cooking Bub and I a breakfast-for-dinner feast, I decided to include these two scholars on what my next blog should be about. I was really the smart one here though by getting them in on my blogging adventures. They gave me the best idea yet-my hilarious grandpa, Avery.

First I want to give a very descriptive list of his daily rountine. It remains the same every day at the exact time. Here goes:

8:00 Breakfast
12:00 Lunch
2:00 Snack
2:30 Wal-Mart, Save-A-Alot, Clays Office, The Store
5:00 Dinner
7:30 Snack
Bedtime....That's ALOT of naps.

He is not your ordinary grandpa by any means. This guy is an inventor, not to mention an avid saver. I just want to fill everyone in on his wise what-nots. We could all learn a thing or ten from him.

He went through the Great Depression. They had to use anything and everything they could at the time to get by and make ends meet. Here are just a few million dollar inventions this wise owl has come up with.

*A back stratcher. It consists of the handle being a corn cob, the rod being a paint stick, and the stratching part to be an old comb duct-tapped to the paint stick. That, my friends, is genius. I'm sure we could all find those things in our very own home. I think he should get it patented before someone steals it off my blog. But, that's just me.

* A brand new bar of soap. Technically, its not "new" but after he has used so many bars down to the thinnest it will get without breaking, he rubber bands them all together, and WAHLAH! A brand new bar of soap. I, myself, had no idea bar soap still existed but Avery proved me wrong. And they will continue to exist as along as he is around to keep making them. P.S. This is the actual picture from my grandparents house of his nifty soap invention.

*Recycable bungee reclining chair. There is absolutely no need to get a new reclining chair if yours is broken. Just bring it to my grandpa and he will fix it up and bring it back to new. All he used was a little duct-tape (which he constantly insists fixes EVERYTHING and I'm starting to believe him somehow) and some bungee cords people use for straping down their luggage. Wow.

He will not let anything go to waste. I want to share with everyone why he has more money than all of us put together. There is absolutely no need to throw out something when it's perfectly fine and can be reused. He saves all bread ties, strings, and rubberbands. Speaking of bread ties, he eats the butt of the loaf. Or as I like to refer to it as "butt bread." I think it's disgusting and all crust but he finds its quite tasty. It doesn't matter if there is one spoon full of corn left he will save it for his next meal. There will be a random smorgasbord of food at the next eating time. No joke. If you find a cup of ice in the freezer you better not throw it out. It is Averys and he is saving that used ice for when he wants another beverage.

Things about him I can not seem to put my finger on:

*He only drives a Buick. I've never known him in my life to have another brand of car. He says, "I'm not buying any Japanese car. Only American made." Bless his true-blue American heart.

*He will not let anyone touch his in-ground pool. Not to mention he is always fishing for compliments about how pretty the water looks. So we gave him the title "Pool Man" and he is extremely proud of it.

*He chews "Good Money" tobacco. He talked my sisters boyfriend into trying it once. Chris said it was old and dried out and it should be called "Bad Money."

My grandpa wears dentures. I have no idea why but my sister, Tara, and I use to beg him to pop his teeth out of his mouth. He would do it and we would scream because it scared us so badly and we could not figure out for the life of us how he did that! Oh how easily we use to be entertained.

Grandpa isn't one for talking much. My grandma takes the upper hand in letting everyone know what's going on. You don't even have to ask her. She is always ready to talk. One sunday morning a few years ago on our way to church, my grandpa has on a jacket that looks a little too small for him. My dad asks where he got it. My grandpa says he doesn't know. However, Lora Mae lets everyone know it was my dads jacket from high school. My grandpa gets so embarrassed and says to my grandma (may I mention he doesn't say curse words well not infront of my grandma), "Lora Mae, you talk too damn much." It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard from his lips.

I've already put this as my status on facebook but it is so classic I must repeat myself. (Even though in my last post I did have on my list I hate when people repeat themselves.) We are having dinner for my grandmas 82nd birthday. My grandpa is very well known for having the worlds most random things in his pocket. (Example: loose Cheese nips, sucked on peppermints, the list goes on and on.) Anyways, we are gathered around preparing our plates, my dad says to my grandpa, "Daddy, let me get you a fork." My grandpa relies, "It's in my pocket!" Priceless.

My grandpa just turned 88 on March 30 and I'm so happy we still have him here with us. He is such a funny man and I don't think he realizes it.


  1. This is the best post EVA! I love Avery and all of his quirks. Hilarious!!

  2. Oh, I failed to mention that once he tried to fix my belt with Elmer's glue. I knew it wouldn't work, but he insisted.

  3. I agree with Liz! Avery is the best-there is definitely not another one like him. :)
    Really glad I was able to lend a helping hand in this blog. It was pretty fun thinking about all the silly things that he does.

  4. oh, ashy, that was awesome! good ol' mr. g! and he discovered on his birthday, that it was brennan's b-day also!