Monday, May 17, 2010

Sometimes I surprise myself!

I always tell people "I couldn't have a kid right now...I can barely take care of myself." Little did I know, I can take care of myself quite well along with two other girls. I knew I loved a challenge! My mom left for Florida, Sunday morning at 5:30. Though it has only been a short time. I am very proud of myself for getting it together and acting like an adult. Which happens about as often as Halleys comet stopping by.

It all started with me having to get my baby sisters up, dressed, breakfast ate, and on our way to church in Dyersburg by 10:00 a.m. What's the problem you say???  I have never gotten that much accomplished by myself before 10:00. The day started off rocky, I woke up late. Like 8:40 late!! I was in a panic. I ran to the shower. I shaved, washed my hair, washed my body and face, and was out in record timing. 20 minutes. Who the hell knew I could get in and out faster than the speed of lightening. Not me. The girls and I were up and out the door by 9:45.

We then make our way to Dyersburg, But I can not forget to stop at the Tiger Express to get three Commerical Appeal newspapers. Which really annoys me. (We are usually late for church because of Taras nonsense mission for other people. Ohh and one more thing, the church locks the doors if you are late and then we have to walk all the way around....I don't think it's a good thing to be pissed off while walking into the church.)

Okay, girls up. check. Church, check. I don't even have to think what's next on the list. The first thing out of little baby Sydneys mouth as soon as they dismiss us is "What are we going to eat for lunch?" I look in my clutch and I only have 9 dollars. So off to the Chicken Castle we go. (Also known as "The Store.")

We get lunch and head to the apartment. I have a burst of energy, so while the two nuggets watch the Disney Channel (that I REFUSE to be 50 feet near), I clean the entire apartment and do all the laundry. I have turned into Super Mom for real.

That day ends with Tara finally taking charge and taking us to the pool to chill and grill out with dad. Why didn't I think of the pool??? I was too busy being psycho cleaning lady with a feather duster!

Today, my mission was to get myself up at 5:45 am. I had to have the girls back up, dressed, breakfast ate, and at The Store by 7. Not only were we there at 6:45 but I also gave Alex lunch money! :) She was tickled to death to get more than the usual 3 dollars my moms gives her.

I worked at The Store until two. I went back to the apartment, ate lunch, changed clothes, and was in Hayti by 3 p.m. to get Syd from school. We had fun in the sun on our mind. But the rain stopped it. We were both p-ed off. As Sydney liked to say.  Ohhh well, gave me some free time to ramble about nothing and get something posted.

I think I need a vaca after this "mommy business" is done. Whew! I am exhausted. BIG UPS to all the hard working moms. Happy late Mothers day!!!! :) One more thing, I forgot to mention I even delievered the newspapers to the assholes.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

"It's in my pocket!"

I've been very down lately, therefore I've been very uninspired about what to write for my blog. So tonight while waiting for Chef BoyarTara to finish up cooking Bub and I a breakfast-for-dinner feast, I decided to include these two scholars on what my next blog should be about. I was really the smart one here though by getting them in on my blogging adventures. They gave me the best idea yet-my hilarious grandpa, Avery.

First I want to give a very descriptive list of his daily rountine. It remains the same every day at the exact time. Here goes:

8:00 Breakfast
12:00 Lunch
2:00 Snack
2:30 Wal-Mart, Save-A-Alot, Clays Office, The Store
5:00 Dinner
7:30 Snack
Bedtime....That's ALOT of naps.

He is not your ordinary grandpa by any means. This guy is an inventor, not to mention an avid saver. I just want to fill everyone in on his wise what-nots. We could all learn a thing or ten from him.

He went through the Great Depression. They had to use anything and everything they could at the time to get by and make ends meet. Here are just a few million dollar inventions this wise owl has come up with.

*A back stratcher. It consists of the handle being a corn cob, the rod being a paint stick, and the stratching part to be an old comb duct-tapped to the paint stick. That, my friends, is genius. I'm sure we could all find those things in our very own home. I think he should get it patented before someone steals it off my blog. But, that's just me.

* A brand new bar of soap. Technically, its not "new" but after he has used so many bars down to the thinnest it will get without breaking, he rubber bands them all together, and WAHLAH! A brand new bar of soap. I, myself, had no idea bar soap still existed but Avery proved me wrong. And they will continue to exist as along as he is around to keep making them. P.S. This is the actual picture from my grandparents house of his nifty soap invention.

*Recycable bungee reclining chair. There is absolutely no need to get a new reclining chair if yours is broken. Just bring it to my grandpa and he will fix it up and bring it back to new. All he used was a little duct-tape (which he constantly insists fixes EVERYTHING and I'm starting to believe him somehow) and some bungee cords people use for straping down their luggage. Wow.

He will not let anything go to waste. I want to share with everyone why he has more money than all of us put together. There is absolutely no need to throw out something when it's perfectly fine and can be reused. He saves all bread ties, strings, and rubberbands. Speaking of bread ties, he eats the butt of the loaf. Or as I like to refer to it as "butt bread." I think it's disgusting and all crust but he finds its quite tasty. It doesn't matter if there is one spoon full of corn left he will save it for his next meal. There will be a random smorgasbord of food at the next eating time. No joke. If you find a cup of ice in the freezer you better not throw it out. It is Averys and he is saving that used ice for when he wants another beverage.

Things about him I can not seem to put my finger on:

*He only drives a Buick. I've never known him in my life to have another brand of car. He says, "I'm not buying any Japanese car. Only American made." Bless his true-blue American heart.

*He will not let anyone touch his in-ground pool. Not to mention he is always fishing for compliments about how pretty the water looks. So we gave him the title "Pool Man" and he is extremely proud of it.

*He chews "Good Money" tobacco. He talked my sisters boyfriend into trying it once. Chris said it was old and dried out and it should be called "Bad Money."

My grandpa wears dentures. I have no idea why but my sister, Tara, and I use to beg him to pop his teeth out of his mouth. He would do it and we would scream because it scared us so badly and we could not figure out for the life of us how he did that! Oh how easily we use to be entertained.

Grandpa isn't one for talking much. My grandma takes the upper hand in letting everyone know what's going on. You don't even have to ask her. She is always ready to talk. One sunday morning a few years ago on our way to church, my grandpa has on a jacket that looks a little too small for him. My dad asks where he got it. My grandpa says he doesn't know. However, Lora Mae lets everyone know it was my dads jacket from high school. My grandpa gets so embarrassed and says to my grandma (may I mention he doesn't say curse words well not infront of my grandma), "Lora Mae, you talk too damn much." It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard from his lips.

I've already put this as my status on facebook but it is so classic I must repeat myself. (Even though in my last post I did have on my list I hate when people repeat themselves.) We are having dinner for my grandmas 82nd birthday. My grandpa is very well known for having the worlds most random things in his pocket. (Example: loose Cheese nips, sucked on peppermints, the list goes on and on.) Anyways, we are gathered around preparing our plates, my dad says to my grandpa, "Daddy, let me get you a fork." My grandpa relies, "It's in my pocket!" Priceless.

My grandpa just turned 88 on March 30 and I'm so happy we still have him here with us. He is such a funny man and I don't think he realizes it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm the only me in the world. Google it!

People are really getting annoyed at me for not blogging everyday. I'm not sorry about it at all. I know someone may want me to be sincere and apologize, but it is not going to happen. I have better things I could be doing. For instance, it is gorgeous outside on this blessed Easter day and I could be soaking up some sun while reading Chelsea Handlers "My Horizontal Life." But you people are starting to wear me down and I am feeling a little irresponsible for not getting a blog done sooner. With that said, I'm gonna get this blog bologna on its way and make my readers happy ever more.

I've blogged about things and about people, but I've yet to write a personal post about myself. I happen to think I'm one of a kind. The best way I know how to tell random facts about myself is to make a detailed list of everything I find riveting of me or my perception of something.

1. The name is Ashtyn Claire Gardner. I am the only person in the world with this name. Google it. I already did.
2. I believe cheese makes anything taste better. That and some hot sauce.
3. My favorite color is purple.
4. Most people only have one best friend. I have several and the odd thing is none of them are friends.
5. I have known since I was 12 years of age I wanted to be a cosmetologist. Liz- You remember when I use to do your hair. ;) It looked amazing.
6. Do not talk to me in the morning or when I'm hungry. Im a total asshole.
7. My favorite TV show is "The Office." My favorite part of the show is when they look into the camera and talk. Dwight is grand to me. 
8. I will watch sports anytime of anyday. It may be in a dress and heels, but I will yell with the best of 'em.
9. I believe in God and I believe the only way to him is through Jesus Christ. I do not believe in religion and I get so ticked when people say what religion they are.
10. I HATE when people repeat themselves. I will so tell you in a heartbeat you've already told me that.
11. I'm an alcoholic. Just kidding, however I do enjoy wine and vodka. Ohh and the occasionally tequila shot.
12.  I can't be still. If you see me I'm biting my lip, chewing on the sides of my fingers, or messing with my hair. It gets worse when I'm nervous. I don't know what the hell my problem is.
13. The 4th of July is hands down the best holiday. Laying by the pool, fireworks, adult beverages, and best of all I don't have to worry about buying any gifts. Aahhh.....pure bliss.
14. Coca-Cola is my vice.
15. I never listen to an entire song. Ever.
16. I get very car-sick. Or I think Ive made myself believe I do because I want to sit in the front and be what I like to call "all-time DJ."
17.  I adore your kids. I absolutely love playing with them and getting them all hyper and most importantly sending them back home with you.
18.  I must watch "Chelsea Lately" every night. I can't sleep if I don't. Then again, I can't sleep after I do since I'm giggling to myself for the next 3 hours.
19. The perfect day to me is doing exactly what I want and not dealing with any bullshit along the way.
20.  I'm so annoyed by Oprah and I'm super annoyed when people drink what she drinks, wear what she wears, and read what she reads. I mean if she jumped off the Mississippi Bridge are you gonna do that also? I didn't think so. Get off Oprah and get a life people.
21. I went through a really weird Strawberry Shortcake phase. I had shortcake everywhere. She was on my bed, on my checks, on my underwear. I mean it got out of control then I realized I was 18 and had to focus on my maturity status for my well-being.
22. I like chips and I like dip. But, I love them together.
23. I kiss better than I cook.
24. Justin Timberlake is my all-time celeb crush. Call me already!
25. Folding laundry is therapeutic for me.

Two fingers and I'm out.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hey! It's okay...

Ever since I've gotten back on my A-game with this blogging/posting bizz (okay, it has only been days ago but still) I've been nonstop running ideas through this thing on my shoulders called a brain. However, I have some sad news...I'm going to be a big fat copy-cat for this post. I stole it out of the Glamour Magazine.

I hope by now all of you realize I get deeply inspired by my magazines, which I have subscriptions to about five. I also hope they (as in Glamour) doesn't mind me doing so, but I couldn't resist!! There is a hilarious little section that tells people "Hey, it's okay.....about things they do. I have come up with a lovely list of my own "Hey! It's okay..." for people. Especially, the ladies.

I hope some of these make you laugh, make you ponder if people really do them, and just finally realize that "Hey! It's quite okay if you do too!!"

"HEY! It's okay..."

-to wear your little sister/cousins lip gloss, headband, or nail polish.

-to smell your armpit when no one is looking.

-if you still expect an Easter basket from your parents, even when youre over the age of 18.

-to say "ya'll" though you aren't Southern.

-to refuse to date anyone with a mustache.

-to get a little emotional when you ask for a Coke in a restaurant and the waiter/waitress replies "Is Pepsi okay?"

-to download "boy band" or any other ridiculous pop music to your ipod, yet keep it a secret because you are sooo embarrassed.

-if you use a flat-iron on your already straight-as-a-board hair.

-not to shave all winter long.

-if you buy clothes for both going out and attending church.

-to text your friend who is right beside you.

-to participate in co-ed sports only to find a boyfriend.

-to decorate for Christmas as soon as Halloween is over and leave it up until the end of January.

-if you delete people from facebook and don't feel guilty.

-to eat half an oreo and say you didn't eat an oreo at all.

-if you go to your parents house when you're sick, because your mom takes care of you.

-to ignore a text from an annoying person and say you never got it when they ask why you didn't reply.

-if you throw a fit when another person names their baby the name of your future child.

-to despise a name only because it reminds you of a person you dislike.

-to pick your nose to get the booger out, just don't eat it.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Long time, No post.

My most sincere apologizes to my stalkers on my blog slacking. I know what you're thinking. This girl was on a roll with her postings, then she fell off the blog earth. And you are correct. Between working my tail off into the dark of night doing peoples hair, and planning/attending wedding events, I haven't had the time to be silly/funny/outrageous. It has been a time for maturity, responsibility, and of course concentration, considering I've been self-diagnoised with ADHD. However, I am over that and back onto being the comedian I am.

My mother will either laugh her ass off at this or try to give me one of those straight punches to the face she does after I tell you this little story of one of her many workings. For those who know her well, you will apppreciate this. My mother...she is a smart cookie. I tell you what, she has got her own system and it works efficiently. Plus, she is the only one who benefits from it.

This past Sunday, after attending church, my little sister, Sydney, (there is a picture of her on the first post,) is driving my mother banana sandwich for some Scholastic Books from her school. My mother, with that deceiving mind of hers, comes up with the most brilliant plan in the world. She cons my innocent baby sister into cleaning the house for money to buy her own books. Better yet, this woman has no job and no money. (I realize to all you mothers, she is a full-time, stay-at-home mom, but lets cut the bull for once and for all. There are millions of mothers who have "real" jobs with an income and are a full-time mother. I'm just gonna throw that out there!) Back to my storytellling now.....I think about this for a moment, and realize WOW! She has got us all tricked. Then I turned to my daddy and ask, "So, you're paying Sydney to clean the house? I remember when you just made us clean the house." My dads reply, "No, Ashtyn, I am not paying her to clean our house." I look at him with a smile and a smart-ass tone and say, "Ohh, but I think you are. Where is mom getting the money to pay her? You! And you know what else, she is the smartest person in this house. Not only is she not working and earning the income to pay Sydney to clean, but she is getting out of cleaning." 

That, my friends, is how it's done. Round of applause to Rhonda Gardner.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I hate to sound like I'm 12...but this is my BFF (Best Friend Forever)

I was reading Marie Claires March 2010 issue. In this magazine there was the most adorable section about friendship. There was one story that stood out ohh so much called "I will never quit you." It was about best friends that have known each other forever and a day. It talked about their everlasting bond, the laughs they shared, the shoulder they cried on, the hours they spent together getting ready to go out on the town, the cell phones minutes adding up when one of them moved a million miles away, and let's not forget their break-ups and make-ups. (Yes, girls who are that close have serious girlfriend-boyfriend situations.) I was like "My stars in the sky, that reminds me of my best best best friend in the world. Ashley Boatwright. She is super spunky. A total clown. She has the voice of nails on a chalkboard, but I always love to hear her bust out in song. She has moves that scare people off the dance floor. She is definitely the girl who can "turn my frown upside down." She is the girl who knows countless secrets of mine. We have so many good memories together (not counting the ones to come). Don't get me wrong...we are so close and so honest with one another, we have had our weapons ready and willing to kill. But our unfailing love and devotion for our friendship has overcome our stubborness. I'm so thankful to have a friend like her, she gets me unlike anyone else. Ashley and I have known each other since we were only 4 and 5 years of age and I wouldn't change one thing about our journey. Don't worry Ash....I will never quit you! I love you, my sister from another mister!!!

By the way, this hot first grade school teacher is getting married June 12, 2010. I'm terribly sad I have to officially share her now. She has even asked me to be her "MAID OF HONOR!" And let me tell you, it is such an honor to be standing beside her on the amazing day. I only hope one day I will find someone to make me as happy as her significant other, Joel, has made her. I wish ya'll the best ever and complete happiness until the end of time. (I will come hunt Joel down and torture him if he doesn't!!)

You can check out these exquisite photos and many more, along with all their wedding lowdown on their Wedding Website:

I have to mention the lovely Stephanie Greenwell. Check out her work and her blog.

(See Steph, girl I got yo back!)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

It ain't fly to lie!!

With lies you may get ahead in the world - but you can never go back.  ~Russian proverb

When you stretch the truth, watch out for the snapback.  ~Bill Copeland

I decided with this whole blog thing, I wouldn't dare "babble" about anything unless I felt inspired. Tonight, my friend Jennie Pate and I rented a movied called "The Invention of Lying." Which was a total BOO!!! We got through about 20 minutes of it. All anyone would do is tell the truth (which I truly recommend). Except for the guy named Mark. He decided to lie about everything that would get him exactly what he wanted. Money. The job he was fired from. The girl who was out of his league.  Blah, blah, and one more effing blah. Typical, typical guy. Why do guys lie to get their way and manipulate girls? Well, we dont have the answers nor the time, do we ladies? We then decided to turn this yawn movie off. (I would rather walk in Abercrombie and Fitch and listen to the disturbingly loud techno music not being able to hear my own thoughts, while getting sprayed in the face every 4 seconds by their 5 different fragances.) We then turn to Lifetime, not by my choice, sorry Jennie, don't defriend me, I'm only be HONEST. Thus, the reason I'm writing this post. Not to mention the reason I hate most guys. ( They are liars!! Sorry, that was past frustration coming back to surface). The movie on is called "Lying to be Perfect." At this time I'm thinking holy macaroni. Lying. People lie all the time. Do people not realize eventually the truth comes out. And eventually, it will kick you in the brown eye. For those who are slow....the brown eye is better recognized as your butthole. Anyway. Back to lying. My advice to everyone is......drum roll, please....everyone open your time you think "Ohh hey, I think I'm just gonna lie." Don't do it. You may hurt someone's feelings but at least you know you didn't lie. That alone should make you feel like a whole new person. And maybe, just maybe, it will be the beginning of good things to come. Speaking of good things to come....I finally got a "big girl" bed. I'm just waiting for my "big girl" mattresses to get here so the outter 3 inches will be filled in. This full size mattress in my queen wood frame isn't exactly working out. But that's another blog and this Pink Truck is making me tired.....Stay fly, don't lie.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.  ~Winston Churchill

Always tell the truth.  If you can't always tell the truth, don't lie.  ~Author Unknown