Thursday, April 8, 2010

"It's in my pocket!"

I've been very down lately, therefore I've been very uninspired about what to write for my blog. So tonight while waiting for Chef BoyarTara to finish up cooking Bub and I a breakfast-for-dinner feast, I decided to include these two scholars on what my next blog should be about. I was really the smart one here though by getting them in on my blogging adventures. They gave me the best idea yet-my hilarious grandpa, Avery.

First I want to give a very descriptive list of his daily rountine. It remains the same every day at the exact time. Here goes:

8:00 Breakfast
12:00 Lunch
2:00 Snack
2:30 Wal-Mart, Save-A-Alot, Clays Office, The Store
5:00 Dinner
7:30 Snack
Bedtime....That's ALOT of naps.

He is not your ordinary grandpa by any means. This guy is an inventor, not to mention an avid saver. I just want to fill everyone in on his wise what-nots. We could all learn a thing or ten from him.

He went through the Great Depression. They had to use anything and everything they could at the time to get by and make ends meet. Here are just a few million dollar inventions this wise owl has come up with.

*A back stratcher. It consists of the handle being a corn cob, the rod being a paint stick, and the stratching part to be an old comb duct-tapped to the paint stick. That, my friends, is genius. I'm sure we could all find those things in our very own home. I think he should get it patented before someone steals it off my blog. But, that's just me.

* A brand new bar of soap. Technically, its not "new" but after he has used so many bars down to the thinnest it will get without breaking, he rubber bands them all together, and WAHLAH! A brand new bar of soap. I, myself, had no idea bar soap still existed but Avery proved me wrong. And they will continue to exist as along as he is around to keep making them. P.S. This is the actual picture from my grandparents house of his nifty soap invention.

*Recycable bungee reclining chair. There is absolutely no need to get a new reclining chair if yours is broken. Just bring it to my grandpa and he will fix it up and bring it back to new. All he used was a little duct-tape (which he constantly insists fixes EVERYTHING and I'm starting to believe him somehow) and some bungee cords people use for straping down their luggage. Wow.

He will not let anything go to waste. I want to share with everyone why he has more money than all of us put together. There is absolutely no need to throw out something when it's perfectly fine and can be reused. He saves all bread ties, strings, and rubberbands. Speaking of bread ties, he eats the butt of the loaf. Or as I like to refer to it as "butt bread." I think it's disgusting and all crust but he finds its quite tasty. It doesn't matter if there is one spoon full of corn left he will save it for his next meal. There will be a random smorgasbord of food at the next eating time. No joke. If you find a cup of ice in the freezer you better not throw it out. It is Averys and he is saving that used ice for when he wants another beverage.

Things about him I can not seem to put my finger on:

*He only drives a Buick. I've never known him in my life to have another brand of car. He says, "I'm not buying any Japanese car. Only American made." Bless his true-blue American heart.

*He will not let anyone touch his in-ground pool. Not to mention he is always fishing for compliments about how pretty the water looks. So we gave him the title "Pool Man" and he is extremely proud of it.

*He chews "Good Money" tobacco. He talked my sisters boyfriend into trying it once. Chris said it was old and dried out and it should be called "Bad Money."

My grandpa wears dentures. I have no idea why but my sister, Tara, and I use to beg him to pop his teeth out of his mouth. He would do it and we would scream because it scared us so badly and we could not figure out for the life of us how he did that! Oh how easily we use to be entertained.

Grandpa isn't one for talking much. My grandma takes the upper hand in letting everyone know what's going on. You don't even have to ask her. She is always ready to talk. One sunday morning a few years ago on our way to church, my grandpa has on a jacket that looks a little too small for him. My dad asks where he got it. My grandpa says he doesn't know. However, Lora Mae lets everyone know it was my dads jacket from high school. My grandpa gets so embarrassed and says to my grandma (may I mention he doesn't say curse words well not infront of my grandma), "Lora Mae, you talk too damn much." It was one of the funniest things I've ever heard from his lips.

I've already put this as my status on facebook but it is so classic I must repeat myself. (Even though in my last post I did have on my list I hate when people repeat themselves.) We are having dinner for my grandmas 82nd birthday. My grandpa is very well known for having the worlds most random things in his pocket. (Example: loose Cheese nips, sucked on peppermints, the list goes on and on.) Anyways, we are gathered around preparing our plates, my dad says to my grandpa, "Daddy, let me get you a fork." My grandpa relies, "It's in my pocket!" Priceless.

My grandpa just turned 88 on March 30 and I'm so happy we still have him here with us. He is such a funny man and I don't think he realizes it.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm the only me in the world. Google it!

People are really getting annoyed at me for not blogging everyday. I'm not sorry about it at all. I know someone may want me to be sincere and apologize, but it is not going to happen. I have better things I could be doing. For instance, it is gorgeous outside on this blessed Easter day and I could be soaking up some sun while reading Chelsea Handlers "My Horizontal Life." But you people are starting to wear me down and I am feeling a little irresponsible for not getting a blog done sooner. With that said, I'm gonna get this blog bologna on its way and make my readers happy ever more.

I've blogged about things and about people, but I've yet to write a personal post about myself. I happen to think I'm one of a kind. The best way I know how to tell random facts about myself is to make a detailed list of everything I find riveting of me or my perception of something.

1. The name is Ashtyn Claire Gardner. I am the only person in the world with this name. Google it. I already did.
2. I believe cheese makes anything taste better. That and some hot sauce.
3. My favorite color is purple.
4. Most people only have one best friend. I have several and the odd thing is none of them are friends.
5. I have known since I was 12 years of age I wanted to be a cosmetologist. Liz- You remember when I use to do your hair. ;) It looked amazing.
6. Do not talk to me in the morning or when I'm hungry. Im a total asshole.
7. My favorite TV show is "The Office." My favorite part of the show is when they look into the camera and talk. Dwight is grand to me. 
8. I will watch sports anytime of anyday. It may be in a dress and heels, but I will yell with the best of 'em.
9. I believe in God and I believe the only way to him is through Jesus Christ. I do not believe in religion and I get so ticked when people say what religion they are.
10. I HATE when people repeat themselves. I will so tell you in a heartbeat you've already told me that.
11. I'm an alcoholic. Just kidding, however I do enjoy wine and vodka. Ohh and the occasionally tequila shot.
12.  I can't be still. If you see me I'm biting my lip, chewing on the sides of my fingers, or messing with my hair. It gets worse when I'm nervous. I don't know what the hell my problem is.
13. The 4th of July is hands down the best holiday. Laying by the pool, fireworks, adult beverages, and best of all I don't have to worry about buying any gifts. Aahhh.....pure bliss.
14. Coca-Cola is my vice.
15. I never listen to an entire song. Ever.
16. I get very car-sick. Or I think Ive made myself believe I do because I want to sit in the front and be what I like to call "all-time DJ."
17.  I adore your kids. I absolutely love playing with them and getting them all hyper and most importantly sending them back home with you.
18.  I must watch "Chelsea Lately" every night. I can't sleep if I don't. Then again, I can't sleep after I do since I'm giggling to myself for the next 3 hours.
19. The perfect day to me is doing exactly what I want and not dealing with any bullshit along the way.
20.  I'm so annoyed by Oprah and I'm super annoyed when people drink what she drinks, wear what she wears, and read what she reads. I mean if she jumped off the Mississippi Bridge are you gonna do that also? I didn't think so. Get off Oprah and get a life people.
21. I went through a really weird Strawberry Shortcake phase. I had shortcake everywhere. She was on my bed, on my checks, on my underwear. I mean it got out of control then I realized I was 18 and had to focus on my maturity status for my well-being.
22. I like chips and I like dip. But, I love them together.
23. I kiss better than I cook.
24. Justin Timberlake is my all-time celeb crush. Call me already!
25. Folding laundry is therapeutic for me.

Two fingers and I'm out.